A Positive Drive for Autonomy
Navigate Topics:
- A Positive Drive for Autonomy - Rethinking PDA
- What’s Going On? - A Physiological Understanding
- How to Support a Child with PDA - The Power of Agency
- Self Care - Looking after the important one
- The Zarit Burden Assessment - Short version
A Positive Drive for Autonomy
Rethinking PDA
You might have heard of PDA - the acronym formerly known as “Pathological Demand Avoidance” - as a profile within autism. The name itself is a problem. It makes it sound like something is wrong, when really we’re talking about children (and adults) who have a strong drive toward independent thinking. Some people just don’t respond well to being told what to do, even when they themselves might want to do it.
For these children especially, everyday expectations - whether it’s “Get your shoes on” or “Let’s go have dinner” - can feel like pressure. It’s not defiance. It’s not about winning or losing. It’s a deep need to stay in control of their own choices.
What's Going On ?
A Physiological Understanding
Children with a Positive Drive for Autonomy (PDA) experience demands differently. It’s not that they refuse out of stubbornness; it’s that demands can trigger a feeling of being trapped.
The other factor is the anxiety created by perfectionism. This can feel like an almost paralysing loss of the ability to function.Once that trapped/anxious/powerless feeling happens, avoidance kicks in; sometimes as procrastination, sometimes distraction, sometimes as negotiation, sometimes as complete shutdown.
This doesn’t mean a lack of motivation or reluctance to contribute. In fact, many children with PDA are highly capable, independent thinkers. But they engage best when their autonomy is respected rather than imposed upon.
How to Support a Child with PDA
The Power of Agency
The key to agency relies on a quality of relationship.
An open, relaxed, quiet, accepting and non-judgmental relationship creates the safe space for anyone - adult or child - to process the incessant demands of life.
So often, one parent is that person, and that’s a heavy burden to carry. Add another parent, a grandparent or two, other family members, a teacher, a good friend who understands etc., and a dynamic is created within that group that allows the fight or flight physiology to be replaced with confidence, optimism and resilience. Agency.
Soften the Language of Expectations
Rather than trying to enforce compliance, the goal is to reduce pressure and invite cooperation
Children with PDA often resist direct instructions. A small shift in language can reduce the feeling of pressure:
❌ “Go brush your teeth.”
✅ “Your toothbrush is in the bathroom if you need it.”
It’s a subtle change, but it keeps the demand from feeling like something to resist.
Work With The Need for Control
Instead of pushing a task, try bringing the child into the process:
“How do you think we should do this?”
“What’s your plan for getting ready?”
“Let’s put the toys away together”
This gives them a way to engage on their terms.
Avoid False Choices
Many well-meaning strategies suggest offering either-or choices, like “Do you want to do your homework now or after dinner?” But if both options feel like demands, they may reject them outright. A more open-ended approach works better:
“What do you think would help you get started?”
“Let me know when you’re ready to talk about how we’re going to do this.”
Keep Things Light
If something feels like a struggle, stepping back can help. Some children respond well to humour or playfulness:
“I wonder if your socks will jump onto your feet by themselves?”
“I’ll race you to see who’s ready first.”
This doesn’t mean tricking them into doing things—it’s about lowering the emotional intensity around tasks that feel overwhelming.
Build Trust, and Avoid Power Struggles
Children with PDA don’t respond well to control. But they do respond to trust, respect, and collaboration. If they feel understood, they’re more likely to engage.
“I can see this feels like a big ask right now.”
“Let’s figure this out together.”
The Bottom Line
Children with PDA aren’t being difficult for the sake of it. They have a strong instinct to protect their autonomy - their own frame of reference. When demands feel like pressure, resistance is inevitable. But when they feel respected and involved, they can be some of the most resourceful, thoughtful, and independent people you’ll ever meet.
The goal isn’t to force them to fit into rigid expectations, but to help them find their own way - without constant battles.
Self Care
Looking after the important one
Being a parent in a family with a neurodivergent child is stressful. Every aspect of your life is affected, and there is a need to consider many people. The child or children affected can become the focus of the family. This can cause you to experience burnout and others in the family to feel like they are missing out.
If at all possible, build into your day your own relaxation, exercise, time off, meditation - whatever.
Create as big a support network as possible - family, friends, pets, professionals - anyone who makes you feel good.
Focus on whatever inspires you - your fundamental being as a person
Check out your closest relationship and put that first. Suspend all expectations, differences of opinion and disappointments because no-one’s perfect and holding grudges isn’t helpful.
Monitor yourself
If you score 8 or more on this Caregiver Assessment you are likely to be carrying a high carer burden and need to share that information with loved ones and professionals.
The Zarit Caregiver Burden Assessment
The following is a list of statements that reflect how people sometimes feel when taking care of another person. After reading each statement, indicate how often you experience the feelings listed by circling the number that best corresponds to the frequency of these feelings.
Scoring Instructions:
Calculate the total of questions 1-4 (Maximum score = 16).
If you score 8 or above, please let your close supporters know that the stress is too high.
Zarit Caregiver Burden Interview (ZBI-4)
The ZBI-4 is a brief, 4-item screening tool derived from the original Zarit Burden Interview, developed to provide a rapid assessment of caregiver stress and burden. This short form was validated by Bedard and colleagues (2001) as a reliable and practical alternative for use in clinical and research settings.
References:
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Bedard, M., Molloy, D. W., Squire, L., Dubois, S., Lever, J. A., & O'Donnell, M. (2001). The Zarit Burden Interview: A New Short Version and Screening Version. The Gerontologist, 41(5), 652–657.
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Zarit, S. H., Reever, K. E., & Bach-Peterson, J. (1980). Relatives of the impaired elderly: Correlates of feelings of burden. The Gerontologist, 20(6), 649–655.