Supporting a ‘Good Life’ for Autistic Children
What helps autistic children have a good quality of life:
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- being accepted in a way that allows the child to be themselves.
- making positive connections with others.
- finding the things that are meaningful, enjoyable and energising.
- having a sense of control in their life.
- having physical environments that suit their sensory needs.
Many parents spend years trying to help their child fit into the world. We can I encourage children to try harder. To cope better. To manage school, friendships, noise, change and the thousand small expectations of everyday life.
We do this out of love.
Yet there comes a time for many parents when different questions begin to emerge:
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- What if the goal is not simply to help our child fit into the world?
- What if the goal is to help our child live a good life?
These questions sound simple. But for many autistic children, these questions change everything.
Recent Australian research led by Kate Simpson (reference below) asked autistic adults and parents this very important question:
“What helps autistic children live a good life?”
The answers were clear.
- Being accepted unconditionally in a way that allows the child to be themselves.
A good life is not created by making an autistic child seem less autistic. It grows when a child is accepted, understood and able to be themselves.
Autistic adults in the study spoke about feeling as though they had spent years “hacking away” at who they really were in order to fit in. They described feeling exhausted, lonely and unsure of who they actually were beneath the mask.
This is what can happen when children are helped to comply, but not helped to belong.
A child may appear successful from the outside. They may be attending school, behaving well and keeping up. Yet inside they may feel increasingly alone, confused or unlike themselves.
- Making positive connections with others.
Social connection does not have to look the same for every child.
For some children, this means having friends who “get” them. For others, it may mean being allowed to connect in different ways. Sitting quietly beside another child. Talking online about a shared interest. Sending funny messages. Playing alongside someone rather than directly with them.
- Finding the things that are meaningful, enjoyable and energising.
The second thing that matters is helping children find “the things that light them up”.
Every autistic child has things that bring them joy, energy, calm or fascination. It may be animals, Lego, trains, art, maps, drama, gardening, basketball, music, card collecting, Minecraft, drawing superheroes or watching the same movie over and over again.
To other people, these interests may seem unusual or intense, but these interests are not a distraction from life. They are often one of the ways autistic children experience the very best parts of life. These interests can bring joy, confidence, connection, calm and a sense of being truly themselves.
- Having a sense of control in their life.
The fourth thing that matters is helping children have some freedom to be themselves. Freedom does not mean a child is left alone to cope. It does mean they are helped to become the author of their own life.
Many autistic children spend much of their lives being told what to do, where to go, how to behave and what they should tolerate. I believe that children live better when they have some control over their own lives.
This does not mean letting a child do absolutely anything they want, but it does mean allowing them to have a say. To make choices. To feel that their voice matters. This approach is very much about an adult earning the right to advise within a relationship that is built on mutual trust and respect.
For one child, this may mean choosing which clothes feel comfortable. For another, it may mean deciding when they need a break, how much social time they can manage or what activities they want to do.
For children with strong demand avoidant traits, this can be especially important. The more a child feels trapped, controlled or pushed, the more distressed they may become. The more they feel listened to and involved, the safer and more cooperative they can be.
- Having physical environments that suit their sensory needs.
The final thing that matters is the environment.
Autistic children do not experience the world in the same way as lots of other people.
Noise, bright lights, busy classrooms, scratchy clothing, crowded spaces or constant demands can make everyday life exhausting.
Children often do better not because they have changed, but because the environment has changed around them:
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- a quieter classroom.
- noise-cancelling headphones.
- an easily accessible safe space.
- time alone.
- predictability.
- permission to move, stim or take breaks.
