School Distress

When School Stops Feeling Safe

 

If you are reading this article, you have probably seen children in distress at school drop-off. Or perhaps you have left your own child in tears and gone home in turmoil.

 

You may have been told that “he settles down after a while” and wondered if perhaps you are the one with separation anxiety.

 

Perhaps your child seems fine at school and then falls apart at home. They may hold themselves together all day only to cry and shout, or retreat into screens, blankets or sleep when they arrive home. Mornings can become harder and harder. You can find yourself caught between sympathy for your child and pressure to get them to school.

 

Parents wonder:

“What is happening to my child?”

“Am I doing something wrong?”

“Are they anxious?”

“Are they just avoiding school?”

“Should I push harder, or back off?”

 

The painful questions.

Parents try their best. Teachers do too.

What many families are experiencing is not “school reluctance” or “school can’t”, but school distress.

It happens when the experience of school becomes so overwhelming, exhausting or frightening that a child can no longer cope in the way others expect. This does not usually happen suddenly. It often develops gradually over time.

Recent research by Connolly and colleagues (reference below) has found that the vast majority of children experiencing school distress are neurodivergent. Most are autistic. Many have ADHD, anxiety, sensory sensitivities, learning differences or traits of PDA. These differences can co-exist and often interact with one another.

Diagnoses can be helpful, but sometimes they lead adults to focus too narrowly on what is “wrong with the child”, rather than on the growing mismatch between the child and the school environment.

 

A child who is sensitive to noise may become increasingly anxious in a loud classroom. A child who is anxious may become more overwhelmed by unexpected changes or social pressure. A child who needs a sense of control may find constant demands increasingly unbearable.

 

At the same time, schools are under pressure too.

Teachers are trying to manage busy classrooms. Schools are expected to improve attendance. Staff may feel responsible for helping children “cope”, “be resilient” or “learn to manage”. Sometimes this leads adults to push harder when a child is struggling.

The child feels overwhelmed and needs more safety. The adults feel worried and increase the pressure. Both are trying to solve the problem. Yet sometimes the very thing that adults do out of care can make the child feel even less safe.

 

This is one of the tragedies of school distress.

The study by Connolly describes this progression clearly. School distress often begins quietly and becomes more severe over time if the child’s experience is not understood.

There may be:

• • after school exhaustion
  • tears, anger or shutdown at home
  • growing anxiety
  • reluctance to go to school
  • complete inability to attend

 

Many parents recognise this path because they have lived it.

 

What gives hope is another possible path:

• • When the child is believed and sensory differences are taken seriously.
  • When the school stops asking “How do we make this child cope?” and begins asking “What is making school feel so difficult?”
  • When parents and children are listened to as experts in their own lived experience.
  • When teachers, psychologists, doctors and families work together rather than against one another.

 

The path does not change all at once. It begins with small things:

• • A quieter classroom.
  • A safe space that truly feels safe.
  • Permission to wear headphones.
  • More flexibility around attendance.
  • Less pressure.
  • A trusted teacher.
  • A child being allowed to say, “This is too much.”

 

Sometimes the most important change is not in the child, but in the way the adults see the child. Not as defiant, lazy or manipulative, but as a child who has been trying very hard for a very long time.

 

The question is no longer: “What is wrong with this child?”

The question becomes: “What is this child telling us?”

And perhaps also: “What would help this child feel safe enough, understood enough and accepted enough to begin to find their way back?”

 

Reference: For those who would like to read further:

“School distress and the school attendance crisis: a story dominated by neurodivergence and unmet need.” by Connolly et al.

It can be found at:

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1237052/full

 

Terry